Well Jake, you’re right, you would definitely qualify for jerk status, but kudos to you for identifying the pattern as well as for your desire to break it. Maybe I can help. Having been a jerk-aholic for the majority of my life––the flip-side of your coin. If you want proof, just check Amazon and read about my new book, Wingless Butterfly: Confessions Of A Recovering Jerk-Magnet––and I’m pretty sure my book trailer would resonate. (If you’re not following what I’m talking about, read my last blog post.)
Before I proceed, a caveat to my women readers: Jake’s article is a glimpse into the male mind and is typical of the way some men think. This article should be a wake-up call, so be aware that sometimes romance can have an agenda. And to my men readers, there is a flip-side to that coin too, more than enough for a whole new blog. But today I’ll focus on Jake and my open letter to him.
The symptoms you have are classic patterns, so don’t feel like your affliction is rare. In fact chemistry addiction seems to thrive in epidemic proportions throughout the country and it infects females as well as males. We live in a ‘visual’ and ‘disposable’ society––one that advocatesstriving for the best. While the latter may be an admirable attribute in the career arena, it can spill over into everyday life and may generate addictive and toxic patterns––an insatiable appetite for the ‘new and exciting.’
Some people obsess over the newest tech devices, trendy clothes, or new model cars. Toxic patterns can be as addictive as gambling, alcohol or drugs, so does it seem far-fetched to be addicted to the chemistry ‘high’ you feel in a new relationship? The problem is when that insatiable desire affects connections it involves someone else’s life too. Think about that . . . Put it this way, how would you feel if someone treated your sister or daughter like you are treating the women you date?
Actually, the real issue is not finding someone, it’s about being someone. You are treating women like a commodity*––disposable objects to satisfy your needs. J is right, love should not be all about you! If you truly want to break your patterns, like Nike says, “Just do it!” It’s an inside job. Consider this: Are you who the person you are looking for––is looking for?* Your direction is heading down a treacherous path and it doesn’t take a crystal ball to see your future, but the secret to finding your soulmate is not as elusive as you envision.
You may be enjoying the ride right now, but jerks and players rarely have real happy endings. You can rationalize, justify, and even convince yourself, but regardless of your reasoning, you’re just making up excuses. If you truly want the real thing with the right girl, do you think you will you ever even recognize her with your modus operandi? When she shows an imperfection or ‘failings’ as you put it, you’ll just cut her loose and move on to the next target. It seems like when you see ‘real’ you bail. Perfection doesn’t exist! If you want real, then get real! And if sex continually gets routine . . . wow, the common denominator in that equation is ‘you.’ Perhaps your skewed perspective perceives sex as a commodity too––a decadent dessert eaten again and again loses it’s allure.
No one can have one foot in a relationship while the other one is still firmly planted outside of it, holding out for better options. You set yourself up for failure. A half-in relationship never works because when you look, you will always find someone that sparks your interest––your search will be endless. Every new option provides a distraction that keeps you from a real and honest commitment. Regardless of what may have trapped you in your endless cycle––whether it’s your own fears, insecurities, or past failed relationships––like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day, your life is permanently stuck repeating the same patterns over and over. However, there is a way out.
Just get off the merry-go-round! The answers are within you and will be revealed when you choose to look internally instead of building impossible standards and explicit parameters around your desired mate. Stop making excuses. Break your cycle, slow down and take the time to internalize more clearly exactly where your direction will lead you.
The truth is, you have the exact life you want. Maybe not the one you desire, but you make choices everyday that create your life. If you don’t like the direction your choices are taking you, then chart a new course. You’ll never get to Florida by following a map to New York. When your choices steer you in the right direction, you will alter your destiny. And here’s a hint, you might try investing in someone instead of looking for your next best fix. Just bear in mind that it is enjoying the journey, not reaching the destination that truly enriches your life.
Here’s to forging the path to your desired destiny,