This may be a controversial blog, but I feel compelled to comment on it. I got an email a few days ago that described a teleseminar posted by a “relationship expert” and when I read the content I began to see why so many relationships fail. It’s hard to believe that there are “experts” out there that actually promote toxic information like
- You have to be very specific in identifying the physical attributes you want in a partner ie: age, height, weight, hair color, physical build, or any other important physical characteristics that are important to you. Chemistry is everything.
- Because men are so visual in nature, they should seek females who are 5-10 years younger than themselves. So that also means women should date men 5-10 years their senior, the exception being once a females reaches 70 years of age.
- The more you can pin down exactly what you’re looking for the more control you have over the design of your mate.
- We need to take better advantage of our circle of friends. We should share with our closest friends what we are looking for, and allow them to duplicate the search effort.
- In any social setting or event, we should have “wingman”, someone who can introduce us to prospects that we may be looking for, or an additional friend that can identify attendees that match the physical description we are looking for.
I almost gaged when I read that. I mean honestly, chemistry is important to any love connection, but it’s not the most important thing. Relationships need more than the visual and lust to survive the inevitable storms and disappointments that can throw boulders in your path. Love based on that initial surge of chemistry may feel amazing, but that high wears off. And think about it––that wave of passion isn’t much different from the adrenalin surge of pure terror. Your brain flashes a neon sign like you hit the jackpot in the love lottery. It’s like gambling, which has it’s perks, but come on, would you really stake your life on a game of chance?
When a relationship evolves out of lust, chances are pretty good that you’ll wake up one morning wondering what you ever saw in the person sleeping next to you. So when you set out looking for someone that merely fits the physical criteria for your perfect mate, you’re looking for the wrong things. First, your treating your potential mate like a commodity. People are so much more than a body––and physical beauty fades. Remember how a fisherman baits his hook––he baits it based on what he’s trying to catch. If you catch someone based on their body or if you ‘fish’ with yours . . . Well let’s just say, as hot as you are now . . . you’ll always be looking over your shoulder for someone hotter to catch his/her eye.
Another section made me cringe too! The very idea of saying that because men are visual in nature, they should seek females 5-10 years younger and therefore women should seek men 5-10 years older, is not only demeaning to women, it’s demeaning to men as well. Most men aren’t that shallow! But hey, we’re all visual––hopefully intelligent enough though to make choices based on more than Neanderthal instincts.
The criteria didn’t end there either. He then gave instructions for the initial meeting––a list of questions to interview potential prospects to determine their pre-dating qualifications:
1. Are you a happy person? (eliminate those with negative answers)
2. Do you like yourself? ( Listen to the response)
3. Describe yourself in one word? (Awesome 🙂
4. Are you a good kisser? (watch how people stumble or they may just give you a sample!)
5. Have specific questions ready and be direct – like “can you describe your physical fitness program?”
6. If you settle or compromise your “must haves” you may regret it later.
Now I’m all for having a ‘must have and must have not’ list. It’s important to have things in common like smoking and life style, but if someone I just met interviewed me like that, I’m pretty sure I’d just get up and leave. This ‘expert’ also advocated suggesting that after the 3rd meeting people should ask their date to date them exclusively for the next 30 days at which time the women should definitely ask if the man was he enjoying her company and ask for long term goals and relationship intentions.
What ever happened to the natural flow of getting to know someone? Women, and men for that matter, are not commodities! If you want the real thing, you have to get real! There can be plenty of sparks without a real connection and immediate gratification may just have consequences. So, if you’re looking for more than a booty call, don’t get confused by the rush of chemistry or let lust guide your decisions. After the initial rush has settled down, you’ll be able to determine if you have similar values and lifestyle. Like Percy Sledge said in the video above, ‘Take Time to Know Her’ (or him.) If you’re looking for a lasting relationship, be authentic––not artificial!! Listen to your heart and make choices for your future based on what you learn about someone over time. That’s huge a step toward living your dreams!