People may laugh, but there really is such a thing as a Jerk-magnet! It all comes down to patterns. You’ll never understand why you keep making the same mistakes as long as you keep making the same mistakes. Sounds a little redundant, right? It’s a simple concept though. Think about a mouse in a maze. If you put a mouse in a maze and he experiences pain when he runs in certain directions, he quickly learns to avoid those paths. So why can’t we just learn to stop dating Jerks? I may not be a genius, but I’m certainly smarter than a rodent!
No one is destined to repeat the same mistakes over and over. You can break the pattern if you can just figure out what the pattern is. In my experience, my choices were directly related to my past and subsequent damaged self-image. When I looked at my past relationships, the pattern became crystal clear, but until I figured it all out, I was destined to continually run down the same path in my maze.
You’re not looking for them, but on some level your self-image may be attracted to them … the bad boys … the hot athletes … the self-absorbed jerks. Everyone has a story and they are all different, but the resulting damage is really pretty similar. Face it, nobody can FIX you. You have to make a conscious decision to make changes in your life and follow through with them. There is a lot of information out there to help you. Try really looking at yourself. You may be surprised at what you can figure out. What is it in these men/women that attract you?
So take a chance. Break your pattern and you just might find the love of your life.
My book, “Wingless Butterfly” will give you the gory details of my screwed up relationships, so watch for the release date.
Casi
Great comment, Jack. Habits are NEVER easy to change. It takes a lot of years to put them firmly in place and it will take some time and effort to replace them! No one can fix or change another person and you are right, holding up that mirror sets you up for the arrows that may bounce off their reflection. They do, however, have the ability to change their own destructive tendencies and they can avoid a lot of hurt and pain when they realize those patterns and take the time and effort to change them. In my experience, the end result is soooo worth the effort.
Thanks for your thoughts and please visit my sight often.
Casi
As a guy, I can tell you habits like you describe are equally hard for us to break. I agree that more often than not, the guy is indeed the ‘jerk’ as you describe. But often I think that ‘jerk-like’ quality may be his own repetitive actions, or reactions to certain situations, taking control of him.
How can a woman ‘de-jerk’ a guy in whom she sees potential? The key is to try to help him see his own repetitive destructive tendencies clearly, probably for the first time. Now she cannot just hold a mirror up to his soul, without being on the receiving end of his anger or resentment. But if she can lead him to the mirror, in such a way that he finds it himself and looks into his actions, then maybe, just maybe, the revelation of how he is being in relationships will hit him. Once hit, he may be open to change.
Good luck with that mine field, but if he is worth the effort, he will thank you some day!