I learned at a very young age not to let anyone in because they just walk out on you. I used defenses to build up walls around my heart. The sad part is that I didn’t lock people out, I locked myself in. When someone wonderful touched my life, I sabotaged the relationship — kept them close, but never truly let them in. Of course, over time, they would get frustrated and leave, completing my self-fulfilling prophecy.
Sometimes, the things you have been searching for the most in life are right in front of you, but your fear, rage or weakness blinds you. It’s not easy to get past your fears or the hurt you have lived through, but it makes no sense to live in it. My fears created a poor self-image set in motion by my biological father and the secrets and lies used to hide the truth. It was re-enforced by the relationships I experienced, and how I chose to look at them. I accepted mediocrity believing I was somehow unworthy of anything better, and couldn’t accept the good things when they came along.
I lost the joy in my life. I was convinced that all I needed to be happy was my knight in shinning armor to rescue me; I waited for someone to make me happy, but my belief system was not reality. We are in control of our own happiness. The truth is if 1000 perfect knights were lined up all declaring their undying love and devotion to me, my heart would not have been healed. The healing had to come from inside of me. We all have a power within us that only we can control, not to change ourselves, but rather to tap into who we are and were always meant to be; to find the joy in our lives.
Everyone is in control of much of their destiny. We make choices for our financial future, our education and careers, where we live; our friends, religious affiliation, what we eat and how we live, and we choose the people with whom we walk through our life. Our choices write the pages of our story. We can’t be afraid to give up the good for the amazing, but if you have love, don’t sabotage it by always looking for something easier. Don’t confuse real love with the high you get when you meet someone new that excites you. You will only destroy your life and end up living a lonely, shallow existence. Love takes work and complete submission, but its well worth the effort! Love yourself and choose wisely!