You know how great it feels when you enter into a new relationship? It’s like you’re on a high––the world suddenly glows through rose-colored glasses and you feel an energy that’s exhilarating. When chemistry clicks, the tendrils of love lure you into a fantasy world and you think maybe––just maybe you’ve found your soul mate. So what happens down the road to mess things up? How could love so right turn out to be so wrong? Sound familiar?
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Well, for those who’ve already read Wingless Butterfly, you know I’ve had a lot of experience with love gone wrong, but the good news is I’ve learned from my mistakes! Over the next few weeks, I’m going to fill you in on the top 5 reasons relationships fail. You don’t have to take my word for it, do your homework and check out the secrets I’m about to share. You’ll be amazed at how successful your relationships can be if you just change a few things in your life––and if you are already in a relationship, you just might discover some pointers that can make it better or maybe even give you good reasons to rethink your position.
The first thing you have to recognize is that the chemical attraction that feels so great, totally messes with your head and can turn you into a blithering idiot. Your common sense goes out the window. When lust is in the driver’s seat it’s hard to see through the intoxicating haze, so remember this: Past behavior is the best gauge of future performance.People don’t change without a lot of self-searching and hard work, so habits and patterns they’ve shown in the past are a pretty good indicator of what they’ll do in the future.
A leopard doesn’t change his spots––even when he has good intentions. People often make promises they can’t keep . . . If they drink too much, smoke, or indulge in activities you find objectionable, or if they have bad habits you just don’t like, they can promise to change until the cows come home, but don’t invest in their intentions. You may be familiar with Comedian Ron White’s famous statement, “I had the right to remain silent, but I did not have the ability.”Saying they want to do something may hold them accountable, but it doesn’t make them capable. And if they’ve cheated before . . . need I say more?
Now I’d be the first one to testify that people CAN change, but it isn’t easy––just don’t be fooled into believing that you’re the one person who could change them! It has to come from within them and a proven track record is worth it’s weight in gold! They say love is blind so take off those rose colored glasses. It’s okay to let your heart direct you, but use your head to reign in the urge to dive in head first––and you’ll avoid shallow water!
Casi
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Source: Wingless Butterfly by Casi McLean & “The new Rules For Love, Sex, & Dating” by Andy Stanley
Yes. . .and while some may wear a manipulative facade, my experience has been that it simply takes a while for life to happen and to observe another person in various contexts. When life happens, how do they respond? Some behaviors promote love while others create red flags.
Maybe the reason they call this “wisdom” is because it is “counter-intuitive” to what comes natural!
Exactly! If you jump into intimacy too quickly you can loose it’s significance. There is a difference between sex and intimacy and if you are looking for a lasting intimate relationship with someone as opposed to a sexual escapade, you do yourself an injustice by not knowing the person well enough to decide if they have the qualities, interests and lifestyle you want in a mate. Anyone can wear a facade for a while if they have an agenda, but time reveals the real person inside. Thanks for the great comment!!!
Casi,
Your thoughts are sobering about the affects of chemistry and the shallow waters that may lurk beneath the surface of a pool that looks so inviting. Simple concept . . . yet profound in consequences. Chemistry is so easy to feel. . .while a true match personality and values wise is a little tougher. And no matter how strong the chemistry is, it will not trump values and personality.
If I can take your thoughts one step further (and I am a neophyte in this area!) slowing down is really speeding up. If I slow down in a relationship and take the time to really know the other person in values and personality, then if it is not the right relationship, neither of us gets too emotionally committed. And my heart is still available when the opportunity for a friendship presents itself that just may turn out to be a more permanent one.