What Good is Forgiveness?
People ask me how I forgive those who caused me so much pain. The answer is simple. I try to view events through their eyes. For the most part, the men in my life were as broken inside as I was, drawn to each other like magnets, we existed in codependent relationships until our pasts collided. Forgiveness felt like an elusive butterfly. If you’ve read my memoir, Wingless Butterfly, you understand why.
The Price of Anger:
Anger shattered my life, so this section may be a bit philosophical, but please stay with me. I’ve come to understand that emotions are the driving force behind thoughts and behavior. Love, fear, passion––all influence choices and spontaneous decisions, but when the emotion of anger enters the mix, the outcome rarely takes a positive spin. I’ve seen first hand that consequences of rage cause far more damage than their source. Fury consumes the soul and leaves little room for anything else.
Case in point:
My ex-husband Zack’s anger grew more intense over time, fed by guilt attached to his affair. His violent outbursts reflected resentment he felt toward himself, but the boys and I felt the impact of his wrath.
My son, Jack’s isolation triggered uncontrollable fury that festered inside him for decades. While he wanted and needed love, the acid of his rage and bitterness destroyed every relationship he entered.
When anger spins out of control…
..a violent tornado looms, leaving a trail of collateral damage and tragedy in its wake. America mourned the Columbine and Virginia Tech massacres, and Hitler’s obsession drew hate, power, and rage to an unconscionable level almost wiping out an entire nation. Road rage, domestic violence, child abuse, rape, and murder capture front-page headlines nearly every day. More recently, terrorism under the guise of holy war drives Radical Islamic terrorists, ISIS, and lone-wolf violence that rip our world apart. And if physical carnage isn’t barbaric enough, emotional violence follows behind in epidemic proportions. Psychological pain imprisons victims in muted captivity, walking wounded, unnoticed until their suffering explodes through silence to chaos.
Anger seeps into lives of young children through bullies who tease and torment to hold their own kind of power over innocent victims causing life long damage and sometimes-tragic consequences. No matter the venue, anger devours love, hope, and happiness.
Society’s Part
We live in a stressful world where the effects of anger run rampant. Political positions incite disagreements as varying perspectives find an arena for battle. Religious beliefs wage century-old wars. Anger, like every emotion, remains part of the human experience and no one is immune.
But anger, in balance, provides strength to overcome adversity. The very emotion that creates fury and rage also gives birth to resilience, courage and grit. The problem is figuring out how to use the emotion positively and defusing harmful facets.
My Take Away
In my experience, people who exhibit uncontrollable outbursts of anger, usually harbor deep-seated rage rooted in their past. Like Zack and Jack, they are so angry inside that the emotion is out of balance and always on the verge of eruption. It doesn’t take much pressure for a seething pot to boil over. They react, not respond, and here is the difference: reaction is a knee-jerk reflex, while response is a process of thought and choice.
The key to controlling anger occurs through balance. When my internal storm threatens, I calm the storm without hurting others. How? I work out, run, write or vent––whatever releases pressure in a positive way. If everyone would find a healthy outlet to blow off excess steam, perhaps the impact would roll like a wave across the world. For more details, check out my video interviews.
Why Should I Forgive?
Everyone gets hurt at some point in life, and most could build a great case against the responsible party, but animosity entangles people in a destructive web that holds them in pain. William Arthur Ward once said: “Forgiveness is the key that unlocks the handcuffs of hate.” When I remember that people generally act to benefit themselves rather than to hurt others, it’s easier to forgive. Anger and resentment blurred my vision, but compassion and forgiveness dissipated the mist, and it wasn’t enough to just say the words, I needed to live them.
Life is far too short to waste even one day living in anger and resentment. Forgiveness is simply a choice. As much as I wanted to scream to the world “Look what they did to me,” I found that forgiveness just feels better. When I chose to forgive, I drained my soul of a cancer––now love can grow and thrive.