Recently, I’ve experienced a season of change. The journey I am on now is far different from where I imagined I’d be at this stage of my life. Some of the changes are of my own making, others were made for me, regardless here I am and here I must learn to flourish. As the saying goes, it’s time I pulled up my big girl pants and got over it. To everything there is a season.
When your life takes an enormous detour it can be shattering, no matter one’s age. My detour came at a time when I was already vulnerable and for months it was all I could do to get out of my pajamas and brush my hair. It was very easy to fall into a well of self-pity, and little did I know how intensely I’d have to work to get out of its depths. But the depression wasn’t the worst part.
As a child I thought it was normal to have people reading stories to me inside my head. Not schizophrenia voices, but the voice I’ve come to regard as the other pieces of my personality. They keep me company when I’m alone, they built stories to help me sleep, they drive my happy places and thoughts. They give life to the dreams inside my head.
When familiar things go missing, we experience many unsettling emotions, not the least of which is panic. I hate panic attacks, they leave me weak and nauseous but many times I have discovered that when I emerge on the other side, it’s as a stronger person. Whatever made me panic I have faced and survived through faith, work, and the assistance of those who love me best.
Lurking beneath the layers of worry and anger, waiting for me to get my mind organized again. I do best when I have a routine. Yes, I am a touch OCD, and when my mind is scattered, the best way to know is to look at my house. If there are neat piles of crap stacked nicely, I’m alright. If the stacks have spilled over and created their own forest on the dining room table, bring out the Valium, mama needs a rest.
But I’m on a journey, and journeys are not completed overnight. The chapter I am in now is one of the more difficult to predict where it will lead, and I must be alright with that, as I have little choice in my path right now. I must be willing to wait until I’m ready for the next stage. Do I like waiting? Um, no. Does any like waiting?
What I am learning however is to trust everything will resolve itself the way it is supposed to. I believe the book of my life was written long before I was born, and I’m simply waiting for the pages to turn again. It’s an interesting story to date, and I can’t wait to see how it all turns out. Are there things I would change? Of course, but never the meat of the story.
Each piece that I’ve spent the past year working on is at that critical point of where do we go now, and honestly if I can’t tell the direction my own life needs to go, how can I interpret the fates and desires of a dozen or so fictional characters bumping around in various locations around the world, all kept inside my head and a few moleskin notebooks?
So, I plod forward a few paragraphs at a time. It’s progress, and I am definitely not complaining. I will take them as they come and work them into sentences. Slowly but surely the pages of the stories in my life will creep forward. That is the direction I choose, and I thank all that is holy for the ability to do so.
In the end, that is all I need.
Nancy Reece won her first writing contest in seventh grade, and a life long passion was awakened. Born in Pennsylvania, but raised in the South, Nancy studied Psychology at Wesleyan College in Macon Georgia and Computer Information Systems at Southern Polytechnical College. She is married, and lives in the Atlanta area along with two children, two dogs, and a cat. In her spare time she is very active in animal rescue, especially horses, and is on the Board of Directors for Blue Skies Riding Academy, a 501c3 equine rescue dedicated to rehabilitating and retraining horses which have been redeemed from slaughter pens and other abusive situations.
Raised in a dysfunctional family, Cassandra Devlyn Ferguson has tried to leave the past behind and carve out a new life with her husband, former Black Ops specialist, Sean Ferguson. Her family’s shady business dealings never involved her, and she intends to keep it that way.
Sean wants nothing more than to be a devoted, loving husband. But his new job sends him to the front lines at some of the world’s most dangerous spots. For years, he’s blamed his Irish wanderlust for the risks, but the truth is ‘ he enjoys the rush of adrenaline danger brings. When the Devlyn family’s mistakes come looking for Cassie, it’s up to Sean to bring her home safely.
The one positive? Cassie knows all about her family’s true nature and is willing to walk away from everything to stay with him. The negative? Someone wants them dead and will stop at nothing to keep all the skeletons in the closet.
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